in the car i had a realization. i know why i enjoy it when phil tells me that he's going to give me something, even though it ruins the surprise. the answer: my parents. they say that your parents usually mess you up from the start and its true. almost seven years of making promises to take me to Disney world and here I am 21 going to 22 and nothing. i have yet to experience the different cultural sections of Epcot. While some kids complained that they already been to Disney world, I get empty promises. Not even a new car or a coach purse can make up for this. its not even going to Disney, its everything else. they always promise me things but never follow through. mom can i buy this...maybe later when you get straight As. pa can we go to six flags...next weekend. pa can we play badminton outside...after we mow the lawn because there might be a snake out there. they always say we deserve things because we're "good" girls but i think after i failed, i haven't heard it. sad isnt it? for those who ive told my sad tale to or experienced it (-cough-eileen-cough-), you are the ones who truly understand my pain. i like hearing this from phil because my mind is used to it. it craves the promises regardless of the outcome. it craves the temporary happiness from the fantasies that my mind creates from the excitement. then...it never happens and thus, im disappointed. to my mind it doesnt matter whether it happens, i get much satisfaction from the fantasies. >_< as a kid, fantasies are acceptable but to adults, people will just think youre sick. no not fantasies like that...but sorta like "daydreaming" about how it would be like to go to disney and such. cant wait until i go.
i spend hours talking to them about how i wish i had freedom. i wish i can go out...at least once a week. im not asking for much. my parents wont even give me that. i already know what they'll say. "why do you need to go out with them?" "theyre only your friends...you know, your friends can be your worst enemies. only your family will stay with you forever." its unbelievable they say these kinda things to me expecting me not to tell my friends this. lol. losers. unlike them, i have friends who i would like to keep around and know forever. i know i always have family but friends are different. they give different perspectives and bring new things into your life. i guess my parents never found true friends because they're always guarding themselves from finding those awesome friends. i mean, my dad was forced to hangout with his brothers and sisters plus cousins only in their compound in the PI. pathetic. my grandpa set up a horrible foundation for his children to raise their children. pssh. who keeps their kids locked away? my dad does.
i feel even worst for my sister because she doesn't really do anything thats against my parents' rules. in fact, shes smart and she was valdictorian...you know she did that for my parents and not really for herself. maybe like 25% of the effort was for herself and the 75% was for my mom and dad and their continuous pressuring for us to do well. its such a shame that she has to go through this bs like i do. ive put up with this for nearly 22 years and she only 19...but we have so many more years to go.
today phil told me..."it was a nice day" i replied, "i didnt get to enjoy it. i was inside the house." thinking about this quote makes me think about how pathetic my life is. i cant even enjoy nature...stuff that's readily outside...just outside, i dont even have to leave the premises. :(
again in the car...a couple things happened.
1. i asked to go to 7-11 to withdraw money...somehow it got to me not being able to save money. i told my dad i got it from him which was probably a bad thing to say. he was like, if you got it from me, dont copy it. pssh. thats easier said than done. then he brought up how if i keep doing that, we'll never be able to buy a house. always depending on me to do that. again no one really understands this but yes, thats the chip on my shoulder: to buy a house for my parents. most parents buy a house for their family buutttt im an exception. i have to buy the house for them. i practically have to pay for their mistakes. its not my fault i didnt save money for a house because i thought id bring my family home to the PI where my kids would have a massive culture shock. how one-track-minded could one be?
2. on the way home...
'mom pa, when you going to mystique?'
'the earlier show'
'ok, sunday then.'
....2 minutes later.
'eileen are you an officer?'
'no pa im only a member.'
'good, dont be an officer. lj arent you an officer?'
mumbles 'not really, i just take pictures.'
'yah next year you shouldnt be an officer. no more of that. study. you need to graduate....(something in tagalog)'
wow. every-fucking-time. everytime and anytime they can get me alone they like to slap me with the fact that im not graduating. always!!!!!! fuck them. im sorry im stupid. im sorry i had other priorities. im sorry. i already told them that and yet they can forgive me. unforgiving. :( ill never hear the end of it. even after i graduate im gonna hear..."finally! see because you studied more...blah blah blah." they will never be happy nor satisfied with how i live my life. even after i buy them a stupid house they will say to me 'oh see, because you saved money we can buy a house. see how it feels like to have our OWN house.' meeehhhhh. if they werent so blah with money before, they would have thought this through and came up with solutions and not depend on their eldest to give them this gift. also, they dont even consider the fact that im getting married. maybe thats their fear...fear that ill get married before ill buy them a house so they continue to badger me about buying one asap. their scared that ill leave them in the dust. pssh. i wont because ill feel guilty. i lose either way. since i was little they pounded the fact that they made me, they sacrificed a lot for me and therefore, i owe them. wow huh? youre probably so speechless about that or you probably have a lot to say to counter that. yaaaa. me too. i think its messed up that they told me that. now i feel guilty if i dont buy them a house because i feel like i "owe" them. i fucking "OWE" them. wtf. i shouldnt owe them anything because if they didnt want to go through all the sacrifices, they didnt have to have me or my sister. they could have stayed married with no children and keep their money to themselves so they can afford a house and all the other luxuries of life. i know when i have children, i would never tell them they owe me...unless they actually borrow money and tell me they would pay me back. lol. i am not going to bring them into this world just so they can "owe" me anything. ill have them because i want to have children to raise, have fun with, and bring new awesome people into this world.
this is why im so disgruntled and angry inside and therefore outside.
i know despite all this, my parents are only doing this because "they care for me." i understand their positions, i understand where they come from, i understand why i have to suffer through my pain. they should stop and understand that their hurting me in the process of their "caring."
so brings me to my title...i wish i was 30. when im 30, ill be married, out of the house that ill STILL be paying, living with phil in our own house, and doing whatever the hell we want to.
Comments (1)
awh... i know how that feels.. im sorry. old fashioned parents suck! =( they dont understand how hard life is right now along with thier unnecessary "guidance" pressures. boo... its okay! you'll survive & get through it. you were always good at that =) take care lj