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| Everything that was/is...Ever feel like you could just sit down and cry yourself to sleep? That's how I feel. I feel that way a lot lately. Oddly enough I'm not sad. I hurt, but I'm not sad. I'm hopeful..optimistic. In light of everything that was/is....
This place that I am in.. they call it wilderness. It's where you end up after you've gone astray and wandered into darkness. The funny thing about going astray...is that it is always fun at first. Curiosity is an amazing thing. At first we crave the newness, the mystery, the unknown. We convince ourselves that life is perhaps...greener on the other side. But the sun always goes down. It always gets dark. Always. People come and go. Times change. Everything that was/is - goes away. After a time you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. Completely silence and there is no one around. Nothing but darkness on every side. Men..we tend to be prideful. We tend to think we can overcome and fix everything on our own. So that's what we do. We run through the trees and look for a way out. We tell ourselves that we've just gotten a little lost... when we have no idea just how lost we truly are.
Lost, cold, and alone.
I'll be the first to admit that I wish there was something more to this. I wish that the grass had been greener on the other side. I wish that it wasn't so dark here, so cold. Darkness is bearable.. for a time.
I said all of that to say that in life we do what we can to find our own way. People can attempt to guide us, educated us, minister to us... but eventually we wander off to figure it out on our own. It's how we discover ourselves. It's how we grow perhaps. Yet and still - darkness is bearable.. but for a time.
The funny thing about remembering the light is that it also makes you remember darkness. Walking towards anything always prompts you to turn around and think about the place from which you can. Perhaps it would have been different if... Maybe if I give it one more try... Maybe it will be different with me. Darkness is bearable... but for a time.. and eventually we crave the light.
Joel 2:12 Therefore also now, saith the LORD, turn ye even to me with all
your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning: And rend your
heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is
gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him
of the evil.
Hosea 3:5 Afterward shall the children of Israel return,
and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and
his goodness in the latter days.
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD thy God in the
midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he
will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.
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| Always
You know I’ve had some lonely days. I’ve made mistakes and had to pay. I’ve had some friends that walked away...Just like mama told me. But there’s someone whose love is real, who cares about the way I feel. Every pain, and erase every stain. There’s peace when I call out your name.
No one can touch my heart like You. Or make me smile the way You do. I finally found someone who really, truly loves me. And when my strength has come and gone, your life in me it makes me strong. Your hand is where my heart belongs. You take all my pain and erased every stain.
Jesus, my whole life has changed - since that day I cried Your name. For every time You’ve brought me through, I promise You - I’ll spend my always with You.
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| Good Intentions...Good intentions go far, but not far enough. Sometimes it is just best to trust your instinct. Listen to that little voice inside.
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| Dear God...I'd almost dare to ask you if you still hear me. But that's a stupid question. Of course you do. I know you hear me, because I can still hear you. Even after all of this time. And it has been a very, very long time. I wake up every day in this empty house and realize that this had to be your doing. I changed my phone number and moved across town. Only a few people actually know where I live or how to get in contact with me. Does the word "wilderness" ring a bell? I thought so.
I'm tired. Tired of the way things are..the way things were. I keep waiting for things to change, but I know that takes time. We've been gone so long. Coming how is so.. strange. Comforting but strange.
Most days when I'm alone, driving in my car, I listen to the songs of old and remember days long past. Many times I cry and just hope that the people in the other cars don't notice. Honestly I don't even care that much. I'm just doing what I have to do for me. And I haven't cried in a long time before now, so I guess that I'm just catching up.
More than anything lately, I'm just glad that I survived. I'm glad that I made it this far. It could have been, should have been so different. It's funny how you are so much more real to me now than you've ever been. Maybe you meant for it to be this way. We all gave it our best shot. We we venturing out into the world - looking for answers, trying to find our own way. Trying to find love, comfort, something. It's part of our humanity I guess. We want to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. It's not. I know that now. Perhaps it will slip past me again and I'll need yet another reminder. But for now... I can see clearly.
I don't really know where to go from here. Not sure what I am supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to going but I'm giving it my best shot. Thanks for remembering me...and never letting me forget you.
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| I've been gone so so long. It feels good to be home. Starting now... starting over...
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