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I'm Not There
By Cate Blanchett, Ben Whishaw, Christian Bale, Richard Gere, Marcus Carl Franklin
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I am 102.5....
Drats! .5 lbs away from my goal weight for the week. I am taking a walk downtown in a bit bit so I'll burn some cals. Then I'll prolly just nosh on a salad. Anyway. I don't plan to eat alot I can tell you that. Stupid half pound. Next week my goal is gonna be 100 lbs. I just gotta make sure I work really hard on it. Maybe actually go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in like two weeks. I bet I would have been 101 lbs today if I actually went to the gym. I just get so tired after work and school that all I wanna do is veg with my Dad watching reruns up Two and A Half Men (thinspo is awesome on that show.. lemme tell ya)
The entire family figures that I now have a bad body image (ya think) and I'm definitely starving myself. Shit. I's the truth but I hate hearing it from the people I care about. "Eat! Damnit."
My Friend O. took me to see the Bob Dylan Biopic. "I'm Not There"... I love Bob Dylan. Freaking love him. Was raised on the stuff. Thanks to my Family. Anywho. The film was amazing and getting out of the city on a Friday was good. (cos Fridays STILL are shitty) Cate Blanchett was in it (giggles) and she was outta sight. Skinny too. It was AMAZING. Loved every second of it. And O's brother kept calling me 'Barbie' cos I was in a little skirt and black jean vest and ankle boots with stockings. Anyway I looked pretty art school fabulous except I had the blonde thing working for me...."Art School Barbie" by Matel.
"No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more"- Bob Dylan
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| OK. I was 102
Now I'm 106.....water weight and I'm sure on the account of SO many fatty pancakes and a trip to the Olive Garden. Not even sex burned it off...(i have lost my interest in it anyway) for real after just lying there. I have decided not to have sex again unless I am a double digit. I am definitely for serious about this. I don't feel sexy.
No one should just have sex to have sex. I've been having sex with my Brother's friend.... it's not all that great. I've also had been dabbling in a rendezvous with an ex. C. I NEVER wanted to get into that again. I'm tired of just sitting in my car after the act cos I haven't orgasmed yet... at all. AT ALL. Sex without orgasm is just alot of bouncing around and just lying there til he finishes; eyes closed and pondering on the thought that if it finishes soon I can get home in time for 6 hours of sleep before work tomorrow... yippee.
So here is a list of things I need to do to make myself feel a little more complete.
1. Get by Counseling
2. Meet new guys....that aren't associated with any of my ex's, and that are not my friends, or my brother's friends..... I'm upset. I need to be in a new relationship.... but new guys. I have no idea how to go about this though.... not a CLUE.
3. Get to 90 lbs.........must get to 90 lbs must have a low BMI: must look like Cate Blanchett
Needless to say I have a plan to get to 102 lbs by Saturday again (if not sooner) and from there By the following Saturday I will see 99. I'm going to try really hard. Cos I have nothing else right now. Just hollow emotions. I'm going to try though. Just working on me.
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| hey....
Dad took me out to eat. One of those we can either Kill him or Kill Her talks. hahahaha.
This doesn't make sense... it only makes sense to me. hahahahaha
I was 101.5 this morning... I know I'm not now after a ceasar salad and a hunk of strawberry pie.
DAMNIT!
My dad sure is mad I haven't been eating. He was downright stern. My dad and I have the perfect relationship....and I am just all beside myself cos everyone is so mad at me. I don't want anyone mad
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| My "Journey Journal" is full of scribbles and little saying... and loads of British song lyrics. I can't really focus on growth and building trust. When my world is spiraling out of control.
My dad just hugged me today and told me that I was strong and he was so proud of me. Then he sat me down and we had the you need to eat something talk. He's never brought up my weight before.... except once after pneumonia and I had gained weight on steroids... he said something flippant. But I think he caught himself. Anyway it wasn't relevant really and it didn't leave any lasting impression. Today though he looked me in the eye "No matter what ANYONE tells you. You are thin. You are FINE. You are a sexy, young, beautiful woman. And you need to eat something other than 3 olives, a grapefruit, and a hand-full of Raisinets. And you're going to the gym cos you're trying to try to win something back that someone else took away from you- but it's not gone. We love you so much and I'm sorry it's hurting you to feel right now, and I'm sorry the world is coming down hard: Helter Skelter. But the number on the scale, or your dress size isn't going to bring anything or anyone back. And you need to eat something today, and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. Cos quite frankly your mother is upset and can't talk to you about it and I can't listen to her shit anymore; in fact I'm going to strangle either her or you if this isn't resolved soon." The last bit was a joke you'd have to know our family to get that twisted humor. And it's not as if I don't talk to my mom about things, or as if we're fighting. She's been this amazing sounding board and just the most supportive person. She's just timid about bringing up weight, she doesn't know how to approach me about it. I dunno.
I love her. I love my dad. I don't want to cause any unease. But I have some control over what I eat. For once in my life I have a mind over matter mentality over my cravings except for the occasional handful of Raisinets (damn those tasty little bastards). For real: I used to just mindlessly chomp when I was studying or working..... now I eat when I know someone is watching. I'm now a social eater. When I am in these social situations I nosh too much on the communal bowl of Cheetos or indulge myself at the plate-o-wings, but I don't feel bad about myself cos I know tomorrow: I'll have a glass of skim milk and a multi-vitamin in the A.M. and in the P.M. I'll have 4 Tums and three olives, then go to the gym and burn 360 calories. No harm done.
I'm not ready to stop losing weight.
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