Hey gorgeous girlies!
I feel soooo horrible for not commenting lately on you girls' xangas! I think the summer has an effect of making me lazy and very busy at the same time...so I haven't been getting to comment. But I promise it will change, I'm gonna start right after I finish this entry. Cuz I seriously LOVE encouraging and supporting you girls and I miss it!!!
Well I went out on the date with the guy from Starbucks. We went to a lot of different places...at Macaroni Grill I got the $1.29 salad and wouldn't eat a lot of bread at all so that started the suspicion. I guess eating just salad isn't good enough...
Anyway I barely ate any of the salad...it disgusted me to eat in front of him, or anyone for that matter.
We went and played putt-putt, rode go-carts, hit baseballs from that machine thing, watched part of Napolean Dynamite, went and got chocolate milk (I got low-fat), went and got coffee, and then went to my house and chilled.
THEN we freakin went and got donuts cuz the sun was about to rise LoL so they were open. But I got one glazed and I seriously did NOT want to eat it. I had to force myself to so I wouldn't cause anymore suspicion. I wanted to cry though...
Then today (the date was yesterday) I freakin went and bought the Peter Pan Honey Roasted Crunchy Peanut Butter and damnit it is SO effing good! I ate it alllll day and even when I felt sick I still went at it. It was disgusting. So yaaa I hung out with Mark (the guy I went out with the night before) again and when he would say how skinny I am I would argue with him. What the hell...I mean you'd think I'd wanna be as secretive as possible. I just can't take compliments, especially when people say I'm skinny...cuz I don't think I am. But he's like "you must weigh 90 lbs" and I'm like "I wish"...but I mumbled it...
At Macaroni Grill he asked me what I ate that day and I was trying to think of anything I had eaten...cuz I had barely had anything. All I had eaten that day were a few pringles so I was like "I had a ton of chips"...a ton=3 but he didn't have to know that. But that also made him suspicious, who knows what he thinks right now. But I'm a freakin dumbass for not being able to lie on the spot about what I've eaten and not being able to take compliments.
I still weigh a little under 110 yet I feel fat. Probably from all the effing peanut butter. I seriously am disgusting for eating that much. I ate like almost half the jar...it's not a big jar, but still. That's just gross
Anyway I've been at this oboe camp thing so it's been easy not to eat. Cuz the camp is from 3-6 every day and I wake up at like 2 pm due to my weird habit of staying up extremely late. So I just don't eat when I wake up, go to camp, then go to Starbucks afterwards. But tomorrow is the concert, which means tomorrow during the camp we are ordering pizza. SHIT...I have NO idea how I'm supposed to get out of that one. But there is NO WAY in hell I'm eating it, not even a slice. I wouldn't be able to without crying. And that's sad, but it's the truth. So I think I'm just gonna say I feel sick or I've already eaten, and if they give me shit...oh well, it's worth it to not eat that disgusting shit.
After the concert tomorrow is a reception with a ton of food. Solution to that: say I have to be somewhere and leave right afterwards. Problem solved...
So the only thing I have to get out of tomorrow is the pizza...shit
One of Mark's friends goes to OU (where I'm going) and he was talking about how sometimes, if you don't plan right, you end up not having any meal points to buy food at OU. I SO wanted to say "good then I won't have to eat" but I didn't....but I came close. Haha how sad...
I think this will get worse in college. For many reasons...for one I won't have as much money, so why not save what money I do have for other things besides food. Another reason is I'm sure I'll be busy and not even think about food half the time. Another reason is I'm sure I'll be going to lots of social events (mainly parties) which means I want to look skinny, which means no eating. Those are three good reasons why I think I probably won't eat a lot at ALL in college. Good I guess
I haven't been able to work out like I normally do. In fact, I haven't worked out since Florida. That is pretty gross, but I've been SO busy since I got back. No excuse, I know, but I will start again. But since I haven't been building any more muscle, I've actually been losing weight, or for sure not gaining like I do sometimes when I work out a lot. So if I start losing I'll probably not work out, cuz why would I wanna gain it back?
OMG I forgot to tell yall! Mark was on my laptop and he was looking at my pics of Florida, but he saw all my folder pics. One is labeled "thinspo" and it has literally hundreds of pictures of really skinny girls, a lot in bikinis, and on runways...just to look at for inspiration. No one ever goes on my laptop cuz it's password protected but I didn't even think about it. He goes "wow you have more hot pics of girls than I have on my computer"...I FREAKED out cuz what was I supposed to say? So all I said was "I'm not a lesbian or bi if that's what you're thinking"...LoL how retarded was that? But I couldn't think of anything better to say. So that was pretty embarassing haha
Today my mom came in my room and I was changing shirts and she goes "you are getting too skinny, your stomach looks sunken in" and I look in the mirror and I think I look freakin fat. I guess it doesn't matter what she thinks cuz I'm leaving to go to college soon, but I was just like "I know mom" just so she wouldn't get suspicious. But it's been a while since she said that to me so it actually made me feel like I've gotten skinnier again, which is a good feeling. I know that's horrible, but it's the truth.
K sorry this was so long, but it's been a while since I updated so I had a lot to say. But please know that I am constantly thinking about all of you, whether I comment/update or not. Yall are my inspiration and yall get me through SO much! So thankyou for everything and I love all of you SO much...yall's comments and encouragement mean the world to me!
Please stay strong and try to stay safe (though I know I'd be a hypocrite if I tried to preach to yall about all that)...but I just want all of you to be happy and safe!!!!
Love all you beautiful girls!!! I'm off to comment and catch up
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