Sunday, August 05, 2007

• A Self-Assessment

            At the moment, it is 12:10, just 10 minutes past midnight.  I just felt compelled to come and write, in journal form this time.  Just now, I watched the weekend blockbuster, which was The Princess Diaries.  Call me girly or what you like, but I liked it.  And it touched me.  Today, before that, I was reading How to Enjoy Your Life and Your Job, by Dale Carnegie (haha, yea, again).  I was on the chapter that stressed the importance of realizing how lucky I am to have everything I do, and to be everything I am.  It didn't really sink in.  None of his stuff ever sinks in, unless I take notes, and that's just spoiling the fun.  But the movie really drove it in.
            I guess that my mind works in weird ways.  Other people who experience this combination of book and movie might not have the same thoughts and feelings as I do, but I don't mind being the odd one out.  And what I really felt was an assessment.  That's right, an assessment.  Without conscious thought, I had compared myself to the main character, Amelia.  I compared my life with hers; my opportunities against hers; my friends against hers; my advanced mind against hers (this is not a boast, I'll explain as a post note at the bottom).  Suddenly, I realized that I didn't have it bad at all.  I mean, if I was given the chance to become a prince, duh I'd jump at it!  But I won't, and I accept that, and I won't waste my time dreaming about the probability.  But before I had the chance to feel bad, I felt a really strong presence next to me.  And it wasn't like a person kind of presence, it was a message: You will become a leader.  And I was shocked.
            I have long since grown out of my obssession with action and magic fictions.  True, a good one every now and then it thoroughly appreciated (ex. Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows, and it was awesome!).  But I had gradually grown into books about EQ, relationships, and handling people.  OK, that sounded like I think people are luggage to be maneuvered, but you know that's not what I meant.  Anyways, my point is that I started to develope an interest in this kind of thing.  I've been a loner ever since time started, and I've done everything alone.  I've had no friends, until I tentatively started to reach out when I was seven.  At the moment, I think I only have 5 friends that I'd trust with anything: Howard, Athena, Autumn, Nawreen, and Brendan.  (I'd have loved to add Jesus to the list as well, but sadly, I'm kinda going through a tough spot with him at the moment.)  OK, when I'm writing this, I see more and more of the pattern that stretches back into a ridiculously long period of time.  When I was small and a loner, I developed an afinity for reading.  Soon, that evolved into an interest in peoples.  Now, I think that God is preparing me for leadership.  I might not become the President of the United States of America (oh, but how I wish I would!  I've got quite a few ideas that I think will solve quite a few problems), and definitely not the princess of Genovia, but for the last few months, I've had more than just a few thoughts on becoming a pastor or something like that.  I like people, I like to make them feel better, and I know that I'm sounding too egocentric at the moment.  I don't know, though ... it would certainly be a hard job, as well as one that I'd have to strive very hard for.  I pray for God's guidance.
            I do not know why I wanted to use up 20 minutes of my bedtime for this post, nor what reverberations it will have in the intricate we of life.  If it was to help someone in some way, I am more than honored that God has used me in such a lofty aim.  If it is to help myself sort my thoughts out, I sincerely ask for God's personal guidance in the toughest lesson that I have ever grappled with: humility.  And as for my patient readers who are always so willing to just simply plod through my pages of thoughts and dreams, I thank you for the never-ending support that you have always showed.  Thanks everyone.  Till next time, God bless!  (and Godspeed?  I never really found out what that meant.)

  P.S.  Ah, I did not forget about my bold claim to an "advanced mind."  When I said that, I did not mean my ability to compute maths, nor the ability to understand why the equation for velocity has to be so complicated.  In all humility (for once, I actually meant it!), I meant my knowledge.  I know lots about communicating with people, a skill which I am extremely proud of.  But also, just as important as knowing how to handle people, I know how to control myself.  In theory, dummy.  And I don't mean control as in "not eat more than 1 cup noodle in a single sitting", but more like "life is 90% good and 10% bad: instead of concentrating on what I am missing, I know to concentrate on what is in my grasp, and what I can do to change the world for good."  I am really glad to know all these things, because in order to succeed in life and to be able to make the best of it that I can, those skills are necessary.  Ah, my muse has just vanished, without even saying goodbye!  Well, all I have left to say is to ask for criticism; support is always welcomed and valued, but I have been looking for some criticism ever since I started xanga, and have always been let down ... at least I, for one, do not mind criticism, because within it all are truths that will only boost me towards the greater things in life.  Please, people, criticise me.  And please, people, may God bless you.  =D  (That last sentence doesn't sound right, does it?  Some grammatical stuff ........ oh well, I never read my own posts again anyway, so no big.  Haha.)

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