I've always wanted a dog. I ask Nick for one on a weekly basis and he always replies with, "No." This makes Nick a fascist tyrant in our complicated romance and if you feel the need to picket outside of our studio, chanting, "Puppy Hater!" to him then by all means, I will not stop what you must do. Until the day he relents his authoritarian powers and hands me four legs and a wagging tail, I will continue to sit imprisoned in my dreams of becoming a dog owner.
Let me tell you about my ideal dog. In my dreams, evolution is a genie and it grants me the life long wish of owning the perfect dog that fits my personality and lifestyle.
Mind you, I don't have any lifestyle and my personality is just sort of ... there. But that's what I need in a dog: A pet that has no life and is just there. I watch The Dog Whisperer from time to time and hear Cesar Milan explain how it is innate for dogs to want to be active. I can't have that. I need a dog who lounges around and thinks to himself, "Should I go for a walk today?" and then decides to blog for half an hour.
Ideally, I will have one of those small dogs, but not the yapping chihuahua kind. I can't have a dog that whines. I need a dog that puts Chuck Norris facts to shame.
Additionally, my ideal dog will not poop on the ground. Instead, it will creatively use the toilet like any normal human being. After flushing and washing his paws, he will warn me if I need to light a candle or two.
When I'm in a circle of friends and tell a joke that fails, my ideal dog will bring out the tape player and play an audience laugh track to break up the awkward silence. Then he will proceed to laugh at the joke himself and make me feel like I'm the star of "Everybody Loves Raymond."
When Nick goes in to pet him, my ideal dog will not snarl, but will be nonchalant towards him. My ideal dog will be the first pet that Nick and I have owned together who likes me more than him.
When I am sleepy, my ideal dog will want to curl up next to me and cuddle. When I am having a dinner party, my ideal dog will serve cocktails and entertain guests. When we are playing board games, my ideal dog will let me win. When I am feeling philosophical or moody, my ideal dog will want to talk about free will and the complexities of his dog-ma. When there is an intruder in the house ready to steal my belongings, my ideal dog will know kung fu and proceed to tear this intruder another asshole.
I am determined to find this kind of dog. I know somewhere he exists. And I already know what I'm going to name him. In fact, I've already planned how I'm going to tell people on the origins of his name.
Person: How cute! What's his name? Me: His name is Biggie Smalls. Person: Like the rapper? Me: Yeah. Person: Okay. Me: Ask me why. Person: What? Me: Ask me why, damn it!! Person: ... Why. Me: Because he's my dawg.
@angel_vow - Yeah. I actually want my kids to be like this, too. In fact, I'm even thinking of naming my first born Biggie Smalls.
Biggie Smalls! AH HA HA HA HA! You silly girl! Thats like:
Me: Hi baby.
Husband: why are you wearing a hoodie and its 85 degrees out.
Me: because.
Husband: Why are you wearing the hood?
Me: Cause Im chillin in the hood. GET IT!!!?? LMFAO!
husband:
I like your style, Tina. I like your style. I totally think you shoudl get a dog. I want one too but (dont tell anyone) ive killed every animal weve owned. EVERY animal. Even a neighborhood squirrel. Sad sad days.
Ill make you a deal, Ill boycott till you get a dog if when you get your dawg, you help us get one. The rule in our house is once Kayla can spell dog, we can get one. She can say Dee. Ooh, Gee but he wont take me telling her she needs to spell it herself with no help.
Deal? Ill make sure Nick gives you your puppy, I have connections.
A pit for you ...
oops. *click* hahahahahahahahaha...!!
could I borrow your brain, please?
i have admit, i did laugh out loud.
a dog that puts chuck norris facts to shame? i like to see the day!
you are f-in hilarious. good job.
If you find this dog, please make sure it has a brother or sister dog so I can have one just like it. But since I have kids, I would need my dog to also be able to babysit and pick up kids at school.
i totally laughed...you just....didnt hear it...
@Consenttotreatment - Pet deaths? Connections? A deal I can't refuse? Dear god, woman, you are the pet mafia. All you need to do is hone your Joe Pesci imitation and you've got it made.
@bryantomato - If I lend you my brain, you have to pay ... with interest.
@soulsdream - Yeah, this would be hard to do. Chuck Norris is a very successful man. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
@utlawgirl - I could probably top that by finding a dog who does all those things and successfully answers the question, "Where do babies come from?"
@alisagirl - I just realized I could've replied to you through this. Eh. That's okay. I like looking at your site and seeing how you didn't update. Again.
A dog who's just not your dawg but your homie err home skillet =)
If only I can get my pet to serve cocktails *claps hands & cheers*
that's because i'm not as original as you..if i had interesting things to write about or make things interesting by writing about them, i would, but i don't have that talent. it would come out boring...and mundane..like my terrible jokes...
so sad you didn't mean MD for vacation...
@etherealgoddess - I love the term "home skillet". It makes me think crazy things. I imagine my scrambled eggs looking back at me as they cook, saying, "SUP BIATCH?!" Then my scrambled eggs start to rap the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song. Innnnn West Philadelphia, born and raised ...
@alisagirl - Blasphemer! Your jokes are divine! The best parts are when you giggle in between and I melt a little inside.
@tinahawt - aw come on! can't you just give me a flat rate? you got the dawg already!
@bryantomato - I got the dawg when I got the money, bitch. Oooo, I'm so mafia now, it's impressive
I saw this really cute dog, running around (in his yard) without a leash (because he was in his yard) and I didnt see an owner (because I was looking in their backyard so I assume they were inside) so I figured we couldnt leave him alone.
I got him for you (after being chased with a bat and a crazy lady screaming "GIVE ME MY DAMN DOG!")
where should I ship him?
My wife won't let me get a dog either.
RYC: The strip poker idea would be the best approach.
@Consenttotreatment - Hahaha, don't ship him anywhere. By the time he reaches me, he'll be dead and I'll have pet CSI to deal with.
@TheTheologiansCafe - All we would need is government sponsored poker chips. I'm pretty sure George Dubya is hording them all.
@tinahawt - I'm hatin alright! if only I'd write stuff half as good as yours.
@tinahawt - No no no, they make these dog carriers. I can ship him safely. Can you hurry and tell me where to send him though, Ive had the cops here and they alost looked in the closet where I hid him.
@Consenttotreatment - *In my best Samuel Jackson voice* ... Are you fucking with me?
@bryantomato - Goddamn it. I was going to start a gang war with you but then you had to go and compliment me. Thanks
@tinahawt - aw. now that you mention it, gang war sounds muchos enticing. my bad =/
Comments (23)
wow. i wish i have a perfect dog like that too.
@angel_vow - Yeah. I actually want my kids to be like this, too. In fact, I'm even thinking of naming my first born Biggie Smalls.
Biggie Smalls! AH HA HA HA HA! You silly girl! Thats like:
Me: Hi baby.
Husband: why are you wearing a hoodie and its 85 degrees out.
Me: because.
Husband: Why are you wearing the hood?
Me: Cause Im chillin in the hood. GET IT!!!?? LMFAO!
husband:
I like your style, Tina. I like your style. I totally think you shoudl get a dog. I want one too but (dont tell anyone) ive killed every animal weve owned. EVERY animal. Even a neighborhood squirrel. Sad sad days.
Ill make you a deal, Ill boycott till you get a dog if when you get your dawg, you help us get one. The rule in our house is once Kayla can spell dog, we can get one. She can say Dee. Ooh, Gee but he wont take me telling her she needs to spell it herself with no help.
Deal? Ill make sure Nick gives you your puppy, I have connections.
i have admit, i did laugh out loud.
a dog that puts chuck norris facts to shame? i like to see the day!
you are f-in hilarious. good job.
If you find this dog, please make sure it has a brother or sister dog so I can have one just like it. But since I have kids, I would need my dog to also be able to babysit and pick up kids at school.
i totally laughed...you just....didnt hear it...
@Consenttotreatment - Pet deaths? Connections? A deal I can't refuse? Dear god, woman, you are the pet mafia. All you need to do is hone your Joe Pesci imitation and you've got it made.
@bryantomato - If I lend you my brain, you have to pay ... with interest.
@soulsdream - Yeah, this would be hard to do. Chuck Norris is a very successful man. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
@utlawgirl - I could probably top that by finding a dog who does all those things and successfully answers the question, "Where do babies come from?"
@alisagirl - I just realized I could've replied to you through this. Eh. That's okay. I like looking at your site and seeing how you didn't update. Again.
A dog who's just not your dawg but your homie err home skillet =)
If only I can get my pet to serve cocktails *claps hands & cheers*
that's because i'm not as original as you..if i had interesting things to write about or make things interesting by writing about them, i would, but i don't have that talent. it would come out boring...and mundane..like my terrible jokes...
so sad you didn't mean MD for vacation...
@etherealgoddess - I love the term "home skillet". It makes me think crazy things. I imagine my scrambled eggs looking back at me as they cook, saying, "SUP BIATCH?!" Then my scrambled eggs start to rap the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song. Innnnn West Philadelphia, born and raised ...
@alisagirl - Blasphemer! Your jokes are divine! The best parts are when you giggle in between and I melt a little inside.
@tinahawt - aw come on! can't you just give me a flat rate?
you got the dawg already!
@bryantomato - I got the dawg when I got the money, bitch. Oooo, I'm so mafia now, it's impressive
@tinahawt - yo mafias ain't got no dawg, bish!
I saw this really cute dog, running around (in his yard) without a leash (because he was in his yard) and I didnt see an owner (because I was looking in their backyard so I assume they were inside) so I figured we couldnt leave him alone.
I got him for you (after being chased with a bat and a crazy lady screaming "GIVE ME MY DAMN DOG!")
where should I ship him?
My wife won't let me get a dog either.
RYC: The strip poker idea would be the best approach.
@bryantomato - Now you just playah hatin'.
@Consenttotreatment - Hahaha, don't ship him anywhere. By the time he reaches me, he'll be dead and I'll have pet CSI to deal with.
@TheTheologiansCafe - All we would need is government sponsored poker chips. I'm pretty sure George Dubya is hording them all.
@tinahawt - I'm hatin alright!
if only I'd write stuff half as good as yours.
@tinahawt - No no no, they make these dog carriers. I can ship him safely. Can you hurry and tell me where to send him though, Ive had the cops here and they alost looked in the closet where I hid him.
@Consenttotreatment - *In my best Samuel Jackson voice* ... Are you fucking with me?
@bryantomato - Goddamn it. I was going to start a gang war with you but then you had to go and compliment me. Thanks
@tinahawt - aw. now that you mention it, gang war sounds muchos enticing. my bad =/
@tinahawt - NEVER!