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to_be_determined_05
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Name: Robert
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Warrensburg
Gender: Male
Interests: Music
Fun
Parties
Long walks
Meeting People
Relaxing on a free day
The morning after a rainy night
Watchin some movies
If you wanna know somethin else ask me.
Expertise: I am an expert at helping people deal with problems. I am always here for my friends. I love to talk about their problems. I like to be able to think that I help and also like to take my mind off of my own problems.
Im also an expert waitor...hehe. At least I try to be. I for one, not to be cocky, think I kick ass.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  yesyesrjm
MSN: rjm05200@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  bmcgary_05
Member Since:
3/26/2006
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| Blissful Realizations I have learned so much in the past couple of years. Everything I've wanted to do, I've done. Everything I've been able to see, I've seen. Everyone I've been wanting to meet, I've met. I've taken my life and completely turned it around. But now, there is so much more that I want to experience. Everything I've done, I want to surpass. Everything I've seen, I want to look past. Everyone I've met, I want to take with me to meet more.
Papa used to say something that always stuck in my mind; "I would rather die having everything I want, than live without wanting more." I've lived by this, and many other wisdoms he's passed on to me. I wanted to go to CMSU to study music. I did. College wasn't for me although music will always hold a special place in my heart. I wanted to be gay. I was. For two long years, I have been out. I've dated some jerks, and some people who will always hold a special place in my heart.
But now is the dawning of new dreams for me. Instead of giving up on my dreams of singing, I'm trying to chase them. Quitting smoking is the first step. I have been searching for lessons in vocal performance and guitar or piano. I can sing as it is, but I don't want to just sing. I want to have the ability to move people. I want to be able to express the feelings in my own heart and relate to those who feel the same way I do.
The biggest realization, however, is that I might not be gay. I'm really not too sure anymore. There is no way to really be sure until I give women a shot. And thats what I plan on doing. I haven't told any family yet. I don't want to start dating women and realize that they just aren't for me and have to tell my parents that again.
But it doesn't matter. Right now, I'm perfectly happy with where I'm at. My family and friends will except me no matter what I choose in life. My dreams are coming closer to reality. My life is finally starting to make a story. Because of the many different things I've experienced and the blissful realization that my life is in my hands.
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| I've been having some problems lately that have me thinking about my life. I'm not like depressed or anything. Just doing a lot of thinking(go figure).
I have no idea where my life is going. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to live somewhere close to home or as far away as I can get.
What I would love to do more than anything is to sing professionally. But there are a few things standing in the way. There's smoking, which I can still manage to sing fairly good while smoking, but I don't think its good enough.
Plus, I have this problem that 's kinda stuck with me my entire life. I don't follow through with my goals. I could want something more than I want life, but it wouldn't make a difference because of how lazy I am. I don't know if its laziness or if I just don't believe in myself.
Suppose I did quit smoking. I'd find another excuse why I can't follow my ambitions. I need to "re-wire" my brain. But how do you fix a lifetime of insecurity? A host on the radio show I listen to says there is a way to program yourself to think positive naturally. It starts with forcing positive thoughts on yourself no matter what the situation. When I say, "I can't do it," I need to stop and say out loud to myself that I can. It sounds retarded, but it makes a lot of sense really. If you keep forcing positive thoughts in your mind, eventually you will just think positive.
I've tried this a couple of times, but somehow, my past is always catching up with me and bringing me down. Sometimes in ways that my life is even threatened. How do you stay positive under such serious circumstances? It's like I keep getting slapped in the face. And it's like those cartoons when someone gets slapped and their head keeps spinning until they can't tell which way's up or east. And every time things seem to stop spinning and settles, I get slapped again. I don't know if I'm making much since, but this is how I feel. How am I supposed to accomplish anything in my life if I can't even figure myself out?
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| Christmas Eve MurderThere are some sick mother fuckers in this world. I just read this article and was in tears.
Joseph McEnroe and Michele Anderson, a couple in Washington, went to visit Anderson's parents on Christmas Eve. Their idea of holiday spirit had nothing to do with it.
Years ago, Anderson had lent money to her brother and it had never been paid back. She was angry with her parents for not siding with her on the matter. That, and Wayne Anderson(Michele's father) wanted to start charging the couple rent for the trailer they were staying in on his property.
After little discussion, McEnroe fired twice at Wayne (60). The first time just missing his head. The second time in the head. Judy Anderson(Michele's mother) heard the shots and ran to see what happened. She was shot by McEnroe as soon as she entered. McEnroe then apologized to her and shot her once again in the head.
They quickly disposed of the bodies in a shed by the house and waited for her brother and his family to arrive. As soon as they arrived, Anderson pulled a gun and shot her brother(Scott Anderson) two to four times, before turning to his wife (Erica) and shooting her. Erica still managed to call police, but McEnroe quickly grabbed the phone and destroyed it then shot her in the head while she was huddled with her children(Olivia, 6, and Nathan, 3). McEnroe then fired two last shots into the children's heads.
Click here for the full article from MSNBC
What the FUCK is SO bad that you feel you have to kill your entire family, men, women, and children, to fix the problem? I know my family would never do anything like this, but it still makes me worry about the world we live in. Just a few weeks ago, one of my friends from elementary school was busted after he broke into an old mans house down the road from my parents, stabbed him, and stole all of his medication. I live in a small town, so something like this seems absurd. But there are crazy bastards no matter where you go. It's scary. But whatever. You can't be on your guard your whole life, so enjoy every minute you have with friends and family. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Hopefully 2008 will be more promising than 2007.
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| Thoughts of an Empty MindYeah. So it's been a while. A lot has changed since my last post. For one, who gives a flying fuck about Cameron. Come to find out, dude's insane. I've had one other relationship. Lasted about a month. I don't know what it is about my relationships only lasting a month, but oh well. I'm 21 now so single just feels like the way to be. I'm loving it!!! I go out when I want to wherever I want. I'm friends with everybody, so if I ever have too much to drink, then I'm almost guaranteed a place to stay. But my life isn't just drugs and smoke. It's work, bills, and stress over the future. So I come to xanga to write about what I don't feel I can say on MySpace. What is wrong with me. I'm smoking more cigs than ever. I drink every weekend. Sometimes so much that I can't think. I'm close to just wanting to be a slut for a while instead of getting into a relationship. Which, yeah. That may sound normal, but that's just not me. I'm smoking pot again. Go figure. But when I do, I get all paranoid and shit around even close friends. Yet, I keep coming back for more. I have had a few interests in certain men, but they're all straight. I have to come up with a $4,000 down payment for the loan on my house before spring but I'm so tied up with all of my other bills. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm happy. But, sometimes, I just get myself so down. I don't know what the point of me posting this is. Maybe I'm crying out for help. Maybe I'm just venting. How should I know. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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| ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES!!!So its been a while since my last post. Ive been using MySpace instead. But to catch everyone up, Cameron turned out to be a lying, cheating, worthless dickhead. Everything was going good for a few weeks. I loved him. He loved me. And we had a lot of fun together. Then he cheated on me. But he was a man about it and told me so I gave him another shot. Then he started avoiding me. I asked him what was wrong and he would just say he didn't know. He was just stressed out from work and moving to Versailles and whatever. So I knew something was up. Im not stupid. Since he wouldnt talk to me about it, I sent him a message on MySpace asking if he wanted to be with me at all. He sent one back saying Im sorry...You know I love you. I just cant be in a relationship right now...blah blah blah. At 2 o'clock the next morning I get a message from one of his friends asking me how mad I was that he was going back to his ex boyfriend. WHAT THE FUCK!!! So I called him and we got into an argument. It wouldnt have bothered me as much if he would have told me instead of getting my hopes up and leaving me thinking that we might get back together. I could have waited for him forever and be shattered when he got with someone else. He was mad at me cause I brought it up the morning he was supposed to go to work, but he fucking ripped my heart to shreads. He deserved it. Yet, being the floor mat that I am, I apologized and said I went about it the wrong way and whatnot. Well he never got back together with his ex. Probably cause he put him through the same shit he put me through. Instead he hooked up with some other guy and sent me a picture of the two of them after we got into another fight. But I already knew he was with another guy. It still hurts though. Its been 2 or 3 weeks since then and I still miss him even though he treated me like dirt. But at one point, we had something great. It was the greatest feeling I have ever had. I could have just looked at a picture of him and it would make me feel so good. Now it just hurts. I dont know what happened. I don't know where it went wrong. I try to convince myself that I'm over him, but I'm just lying to myself. Some days Im in an alright mood. Other days I'm just miserable.
If anyone wants to see my MySpace, the address is myspace.com/someone_you_dont_know_05.
If anyone wants to chew Camerons ass for being a dick and treating people like they are all worthless, his MySpace is myspace.com/lifgrd.
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