How does one advertise for new friends? 

"Wanted: new friend(s).  Must not be lame like old ones.  Please have extensive knowledge of artisanal marshmallows and animal husbandry.  Chiseled features optional, but strongly recommended."

Ok, not all my friends are lame.  Those precious few of you who are reading this are not lame, well unless you are, in which case I can't help you.

Le sigh.

ADDENDA: I was going to open yesterday's letter with "Dear Heinous, Humorless Canadian Bitch", but then I thought that just sounded too petty and opted for the high road instead.  I think I made the right choice, no?