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Saturday, June 28, 2008

ok, i suppose the funk is breaking.
since i complained about the bummer no-heat summer we've been having, smallvilled answered me by blasting us with two days in the high 30's and the promise of at least one more. yaaay sun! at least it's bc heat - tolerable in the shade and no humidity.  i likes it.
i cleaned my house! cousin john and future-cousin-in-law bente came to visit yesterday and visits are wonderful motivation for cleanliness. and visits combined with heat are wonderful motivation to go jump in a lake and bbq sausages and eat ice cream. which is exactly what we did.
i'm still dead tired, but i'm blaming it on the shock to my lazy system of transitioning from my regular schedule of one or two events a week to my summer schedule of one or two events a day.  i'm getting lots done though. everytime i have an hour or so to sit still i'm afraid i'll fall asleep so i make myself send another email or type up another report. if i keep this up, maybe i can get a year's worth of newsletter's written this summer...
and in the grand tradition of summer, i'll be too busy to have much of a birthday party again this year. having a birthday in the summer really isn't as much fun as it should be. i always felt like it was a bit of a rip off growing up.  no one can decorate your locker or bring cupcakes for the class. and everyone is away on vacation or at camp or doing something much more fun and adventurous than coming to my little party.  i've had a birthday in africa where i baked myself a candy cake, a birthday in brazil where i dug trenches all day, birthdays at various retail jobs with balloons tied to my wrist or ribbons tied in my hair, and too many to count working at camp chasing after little kiddies and smelling like sunshine and fire. which is what i'll be doing this year too.  i'll turn 30 on day three of jr. high camp, which i'm sure won't make me feel old at all as jr. highers are so well known for their general tact and respect for their elders... so that'll be fun. actually, if this camp works out and the kids can come, i can't really think of anywhere else i'd rather be (except maybe hawaii... ). they're such a great group of kids and i'm looking forward to having a few days of fun with them. though, i do still feel like i need to mark this particular birthday in some monumenous way... but can't seem to come up with anything.
ideas anyone?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

i'm in a funk.
my house is a total wreck and i can't care. i'm eating a lot of mr. noodles and frozen leftovers. i don't feel like i'm getting any sleep even though i'm getting plenty. i don't want to do much of anything but sit and read and go back to bed.
yuck.
it's summer but it's been unusually rainy. and when it stops raining and the sun comes out, the wind picks up making it cold and annoying to be outside. so i'm not doing much walking, not being one who particularly enjoys being soggy or blown to bits. and i don't have the gas money to go escape over the mountains for a day or a weekend anymore. it's too expensive to escape.
and i'm out of coffee.
AND i'm turning 30 in three weeks.

blah.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

i smell like fire and i saw the stars.

some days are bathed in gold. not just trim on the edges of my regular humdrum life. but days when everything is dipped deep and coated in holiness.
i think some stories must be written on the walls of heaven, they must be part of what holds it up, these bits of faith and fortitude, these pieces of life that won't let go of hope. there's got to be some eternal museum of grace, and the women i know, their portraits line the walls.
they make me believe it's possible to be faithful.

and the summer stars make me want to be.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

the other night i had a dream that i was playing a new version of the game of life.
for the first half of the game, everyone was employed in some bland office building and everything was marked by a sense of misery and impatience. but halfway through the game, it could all change. remember the square on the old game of life board that said "stop! get married!!"? well in my dream, that square was gone and replaced with one that said "stop! decide your future". after putting ten years of your life into drab office tedium, you could land on this little square and with a lucky roll of the dice, you'd have your dream job. and not just "doctor" or "lawyer" either, but dream jobs people actually want, like "starbucks corporate management" or "international affairs correspondent" or "UN humanitarian aid coordinator". and you could choose where you wanted to live, a chic downtown apartment or a luxury ranchland estate. roll again to choose your vehicle, do you want a hummer (no!) or a prius? roll once more to determine your financial portfolio, how much you'll play the market, how much you'll lavish on your favourite charitable organization. and after you're content with how you've set your course for the rest of your life (or at least for the rest of the game), you could decide whether or not to get married. last on the list of options for this round, it appeared trivial, something that would inevitably slow you down and possibly jeopardize that brilliant dream job you just landed. in fact, i got the sense that the only reason it was included in the game at all was sentimental - no one who actually wanted to win would choose to get married at the height of their game. but the manufacturers must have known that every once in a while there'd be a player who wouldn't care about winning at all and would be content with the drab office job and suburban bungalo, the slower pace and the company.
i hate dreams that have me thinking harder when i'm asleep than i do when i'm awake. it's exhausting. (by the way, i'm blaming the underlying philosophy of this dream primarily on a movie *someone* took me to see before her wedding! )
i also had a dream that my sis & bro-in-law came out to smallville to visit with my beautiful baby niece. i sat with her at a restaurant while she giggled and mumbled her way through her one-year-old version of "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands". and i loved watching her face light up when we all clapped.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

i'm noticing that when things are new, we count everything.
"i've been sober 5 days"
"she's six weeks old today"

even the smallest measures of time are important when they are making up the things that matter to us.
"i'm seven and three quarters!"
"the wedding is in nine days and two hours!!"
i'm interested to mark where it is that we stop counting and start trying to remember...
because there is a beauty to behold in both, in the newness and the history.
and i'm blissfully enjoying the former but still impatient for the latter...

nevertheless, three months.