a week is a rather short amount of time for so much…

Thursday, April 10, 2008

a week is a rather short amount of time for so much change.
my job is taking turns i didn't anticipate. i'm not sure if it'll turn out for the better or worse... can't tell till i get there i suppose. but i didn't pursue these changes myself, i didn't ask for this. and it makes me feel out of control and somewhat unsteady... that things can shift so dramatically and so quickly. i'm sure i'll get used to it and get into the swing of things again when we settle into our new state of normalcy, but it does make me realize that the only thing predictable about my job is how very unpredictable it always is.
my town is not as safe and sound as it seemed a week ago. smallville has been rocked by something gruesome and tragic. our new normal is the national news trucks and their invasive cameras and microphones, checking our locks a bit more before going to bed, cautious and alert eyes guarding the streets, schools in lockdown, parents holding their children a little tighter. i keep scanning the news every day for the end of the drama to play out, praying that it will in fact come to an end and we won't have to continue too long in this tension. i don't want to be a pawn to media hype but... it's just true that i'll sleep better when this is done.
my heart is in nearly constant flux and confusion. the days i ignore it are best. how can anyone know anything for certain? and how do we set out on a course for life without knowing where it's going? answer me with "just have faith" and i'll roll my eyes and be tempted to walk out on you. faith in God, yes. but faith in others, in circumstances, in the future, in myself - how? taking life one day at a time only works if i want to get randomly tossed around by the waves. at some point i have to set my course, don't i?
i suppose that is only true if i am the only one guiding the vessle. forgive me as i slip into old christian metaphors here, but if Jesus is my captain i don't suppose it matters much if i know where we're going. he has a course set and what might feel like randomly tossing in the waves to me might actually be a determined course in a steady direction. maybe i don't always need to be in control.
pity. i do so enjoy control...
anyways, it's been a long and emotional week. but please don't think i'm so melancholy. it's just that these moments of introspection tend to reveal more of my fears than joys. i find it so much easier to worry than to celebrate. it's not a great trait... i think i got it from my grandma. but it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is such a mess. even in the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty, i quite often find myself enjoying the journey.