First of all, I feel the need to complain about the weather here. I shouldn't. I mean, when I moved to the Pacific Northwest, I was grateful to escape the Southern California desert I grew up and lived in. The first weeks after we moved here almost exactly four years ago were quite warm. And for the most part, I like the coolness. I have been amassing the right gear, from rain slickers to polar fleece, which makes it all more comfortable. I just can't believe I need my polar fleece... in August.
Today, we'll be lucky if it gets past 70. I was hoping to go play in the park with my little one and company around 10 a.m. and it's foggy and chilly and nothing I'm looking forward to. Sun, please come out. Please.
Okay, so on that cheery note, I have little else to report. Well, that's not strictly true. Internally, my mood has been reflective of the weather, a little chilly with occasional sunshine late in the day.
I wonder how much of my own anxiety and discomfort has to do with my life leaving little time for solitary pursuits. I've been working them in here and there as I can, but they tend to come at the expense of my own or other's needs -- I can take a solitary early morning walk, but that's at the cost of sleep, not being home when little one wakes up, and arriving a little late to work. I can spend time catching up on reading the fatosphere feed at night, but that's at the cost of spending time with my little human who is up way to late anyhow, or time with Mr. Rounded and also sleep. Therapy is one little island that I manage to be able to locate myself on once a week, and I find myself craving more time there, in part because there are few other of those "islands" during my week. Although, I'm on one right now.
Working full time and being a parent can be rough. On the other hand, I'm very grateful for both the little human being who is just amazing and fun and at times very hard work and exasperating, and my job which at the moment is amazing and fun and at times very hard work and exasperating.
As an example of how much fun little one is to be with right now, here's what it was like at the local county fair we went to yesterday. (I like this fair -- it's not too big or too small, has the right mix of homespunness and showiness.) Here are some highlights:
- Little one rides a pony for the first time, and I capture it on my digital camera. Little one really enjoys riding the pony, which is cute but also a little worrisome because we don't exactly make "pony" money.
- Mr. Rounded and I get in a small fight because he wants to eat at the very first food booth he comes across. I am astounded -- with all of the different things you can get here, why eat mediocre fries and a hot dog when there are Gyros! Indian Food! Corn on the Cob! Strawberry Shortcake with served on Fair Scones! Actual vegetables with noodles! Barbecued beef! And goodness knows what else, because we haven't seen it all yet. I'm not even hungry, but I can't believe this. Then I remind myself, it's his (and the little ones) stomach, not mine, so I need to just drink my big diet pepsi and shut up.
- No tantrums. The very beginnings of tantrums are averted by all the other fun stuff that can be done. Amaaaazing when dealing with a 3.5 year old (and a 39 year old, and a 45 year old).
- Little one chooses a ride to go on that is a little too scary. Dad goes along. Little one, who is transitioning (slowly) from diapers to grown human underthings, literally pees pants. Does not scream for the ride to stop. Holds onto dad and with great dignity, exits the ride with head up. Prepared mom feels proud to have a complete change of clothes, and as a bonus, the women's bathroom is closed for cleaning, and Dad is the one to change the young one into the clean set of pants, diaper, socks, shoes. Day goes on without grand drama.
- Ran into two mental health professionals that we have interacted with at the fair -- funny. Strangely, not all that awkward.
- Something on a stick was purchased and consumed, predominantly by little one, after much deliberation and a fair amount of mess. We had exactly two more paper napkins than were needed (score!) but also had plenty of extra wipes. I will miss carrying wipes around. May end up always having them in my purse or backpack. If only they came in little portable tissue sized packs... Hmmm, that's a great business idea...
- Child does not want to stop petting the brown bunny.
- At the end of the "art" barn (with some amazing photography that we speed through) there's a little table with watercolors for painting. Little one wants to paint, so we hang out. I start to get upset at the mixing of colors in the plastic watercolor trays, and then take a deep breath and remind myself that it's not a big deal. I guess I think it's inconsiderate. How reasonable of me to expect my 3.5 year old, after more than four hours at the fair, to be able to consider the needs of the other children who may or may not come along at this point. I bite my tongue, but do spend a little time with a clean paintbrush and water trying to clean out the colors a bit. Note to self -- consider buying the tubes of watercolors and a palette so I don't get as upset about the mixing of colors at home.
- None of the animals seem to scare my child. Not the giant cows or huge pigs, nor the tarantulas, snakes, lizards encountered in the "exotic safari" area. I really love this kid.
- If we had come into the barn with the chickens and other fowl from the other direction, we could have said, "duck, duck, duck, duck, GOOSE!" Little one has learned this game recently, so even though it didn't turn out that way, the goose was a bit fascinating. "See the goose has a really long neck?" And how it really exists?
- Little one does not want to leave the fair. Wants another hot dog and french fries (has now been four hours since the first one was consumed). We coax little one out of the fairgrounds. Promise to stop and buy a hot dog and fries on the way home. (I felt more comfortable giving little one hot dogs after reading this post. Hot dogs have only been a more regular part of this person's diet this summer, didn't like them before.) Little one is fast asleep in carseat before we can pull up at Dairy Queen. We get a kid's meal anyhow, not knowing if this sleep is a nap or the nighttime sleeping. I have to say that it's one of the very happiest moments I have when little one has had a fabulously fun time doing something and then falls asleep in the car. I love it. I feel very grown up and happy at the same time.
As for me, I really have been in a position lately of feeling like I can handle things. Yes, I can make it to swim a couple of times a week. I can take walks in the morning or at lunchtime. I can make homemade shortcut whole grain macaroni and cheese before I leave for work. I can make chocolate pancakes with little one helping and it's not a hazmat situation in the kitchen afterwards.
What I can't do... is lose weight.
I don't mean that in the "poor poor me, I want to lose weight and I can't" I guess what I mean is this:
I have a full life. I am getting fitter. I have energy. I can accomplish most of what I set out as my goal on any given day at work, at home, in life in general. I eat a variety of foods, sometimes a lot, and sometimes a little. I am a good mom, a good friend to my husband, a good friend to my friends, a good daughter and sister. I am a valued and valuable employee doing work in the world that I think may improve it. I am a mom that other kids seem to feel comfortable with. I reflect on my life, I have fun, I get enough sleep most of the time.
Do I need also to have the number on the scale demonstrate downward motion?
The most important word in that sentence is "I" -- and I do not need that. Where I have a hard time is carrying that out beyond myself. The reality is that my child, my partner don't need me to weigh less. Beyond that, I have no control and little influence about what others think they need me to be. I need to let go of the idea that I can exert that kind of control, or even that I want to.
That (aside from the human condition) appears the source of my mild blues.
Let the sunshine in.
Comments (2)
Oh I hear you on so much of this. I swear I have public event anxiety and worry about everything my sweetie does when we go out . Luckly it's much less so with his 6 year old. But sometimes inside my mind I am screaming "I can't believe he just did that, doesnt he realize we are in public! (add it's embarrassing, or it's stupid, or it's too silly, or any one of a million things)
@Seattlejo - Thanks, your blog is great! I'm not in Seattle but not too far away, and I have a friend who lives in your neighborhood.
Thanks for stopping by! I loved the story about "Bad Verona" -- we've had similar experiences with crows taking food that ended in tears.