I'll be honest, I'm in a rut.
I have dwindled, as I live my daily task desperately and relentlessly fighting the same old thing over and over and over again. The cycle never ends; it's a downward spiral that slowly draws me to its center. I've been spiraling down in a tortuous way, but I've been fighting hard. Yet, it doesn't seem like my efforts to swim against these currents have been anything but futile. It seems as though I am just weak enough to fall short of the threshold that will push me over the edge to a point where I am able to make progress in my swim.
I blame it on the world, on this crap society that thinks it's okay to oppress. I blame it on those who would even have for a second the thought of hurting another. I blame it on humanity. I blame it on me, for I am human.
God has been pruning me. Usually, I can see where He is going to go with these sort of things, but this time I am unsure. The dwindling has lasted a while now, and yet I am still uncertain of the purposes. I know, I should be patient and obedient. I know God is doing something. I don't know what it is, I know it hurts a lot, I know it angers me sometimes, but if He can keep me going just strong enough to get above that threshold, then I know I'll see some promise. But what of it then? I can't seem to reach that threshold. Instead, I just see an abyss drawing me closer and closer, slowly and against my will, but somehow it seems inevitable.
I don't want to end up there. I don't want to fall away from the loves and lives that Jesus has provided me with. I don't want to fail. I need His strength. It's almost as if I am asking, begging him for that strength, but all he seems to say is, "Not yet". But God! I'm falling! Catch me now before I die!
"Not yet, not yet".
He hasn't forsaken me. I know He will eventually catch me, as He is saying "Not yet". In the meantime, I'm hanging on--by a thread, at least. Jesus, give me eyes to see your faithfulness. Lord, have grace on me. Please...
Please..
Please.
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