We work til we die..

Well... its been a while since I actually wrote/typed anything up in here. Big updates on my life I guess, but they dont really seem to be heading any certain direction. I finally have a job, yet im not going to school... its more of a set back really. Im not going to school because of a screw up with classes and such.

So im working at Ross in stock, which basically means nothing cause we do every job there because of us being under staff and low pay role ~_~; The job... I must say is hard, its nice that I get all the hours that a person would if they got full time but this isnt a job I wish to keep forever... and I dont see me working more then a year there in all honesty. It's literally killing me doing the job day in and day out. Maybe im just weak cause ive never had a job... or maybe im just pampered or something. But I honestly dont mind baby sitting (which takes alot out of you) I dont even mind cleaning... which is a dity job. But... this stock job is insane. I have cuts and bruises everywhere possible... I have swollen fingers.. and by the next day I can barely process apparel and other things well.. because I can barely move my hands around. I have an insomnia problem... ive had one for a bit during high school... but not this bad... and im slightly worried about it. Which by the next day im tired... and I work slow... and its hard convincing my body to keep moving knowing I have no clue when im getting off that day. Last but not least.. as of late I seemed to have strained or killed my back... its bad enough.. that im having breathing issues... which its slight.. but I suppose its a concern none the less. (I take things lightly... if you dont know me well)

So with all this put together... it makes me think "Wow... I should REALLY get school done with" .... but then looking at it more clearly and with other facts in mind... I have no where to go. Yeah lets say I get my degree... it will only lead me in a field of competition, which if im chosen.. then I have to work my tail off to prove myself. It would be like any other grunt job with the up side of good pay.


I dont know... my interests must be bland... but I just cant seem to find a job that I have a REAL interest in. And maybe... in all reasoning.. thats just how it is. No one likes their job, but if you think about that... its kind of sad.

Take me down my rabbit hole..

“Why can’t you change?” People ask me this time and time again, mind you in intervals not all the time. Why cant I? Why wont I? It’s hard to say… but part of me likes who I am-then there is a part of me that just has come so accustom to my ways that I don’t think I can ever change

“Well you can ALWAYS change” No.. not true, believe me ive tried.. ive tried many times.. and im trying even harder now then ever. When I look at the mirror.. I see a face.. a face im tired with.. why? Because it’s the same face day in and day out. No.. I don’t think myself ugly.. but I don’t think im pretty either. The most ugly thing about me there is.. is my mind.

The way I think infects others.. and I really don’t want it to. It affects my family my surroundings.. and those whom I love. I seem to be more and more tired lately.. I sleep in too much and maybe its in my head.. but I feel sicker. Not sick in the head.. but physically. I tell my mother that I cant give her a ride cause im tired (Im the driver in the house hold) I feel bad.. she makes me feel bad.. saying how I never drive her anywhere. I do.. its just I hate doing it all the time.. even when its seven in the morning.

“Am I addicted?” I get lost on the internet.. games.. forums.. sometimes just making graphics for people.. None the less.. I feel like im losing myself. But what else is there to do? Watch a movie by myself? Ive done that.. its lonely.. and you cant comment or laugh with anyone. Go to a park? Alone.. everyone I know seems to be busy or busy with the net. Even the one person I wish to hang out with out of the whole world cant.. cause he has work.

Is it wrong to think about him a lot? To miss him even though I saw him the other day? I don’t really even get to see him much, so maybe my reasons are reasonable? I see him once maybe.. twice a week.. Is that enough? I feel lonely.. even though he says he is there. Maybe its because I have insecurity issues.

Yes.. I remember my past boyfriend.. I feel awful thinking about it. And that one guy that liked me.. and I liked him back.. yes.. I did about the same thing with him. I pushed them away, I told them goodbye. My ex.. yes.. I have other reasons for breaking up with him.. still doesn’t account for the fact of how. I just left, I told him goodbye and that I just wasn’t in love anymore. Why? How could I be so cruel.. was it because I was young? Stupid.. and the fact that he was an over the states relationship. I know.. for a fact this wont happen with him, with my boyfriend now. I feel differently.. more how to say it.. in love. Yet im afraid to use that word, no I say it.. but attaching too much feeling is what I mean.. if I do.. then maybe it will happen. My greatest fear.. loosing him..

“Your just being silly” My mother said “You just think because of past experiences that went bad, that it will keep happening.” She doesn’t understand.. I feel this way.. because I feel that he will be the one to leave. Not me.. no I cant.. it would hurt me deeply to do that. Why have I become so obsessed with this? Cause I think fate will turn on me and hit me back ten fold for what I did with my ex?

No… because now a’days people can up and leave.. why? Cause we fall out of love.. yes the feeling comes back sometimes.. but no one takes chances anymore to get it back.

Why.. why must I be so insecure about these things..?

Memories are all I have to cling on to now.

How you made me smile.

Held me when I cried

Kissed me in the rain

Memories... they are the things that keep me up at night.

Snow.. snow.. come again another day.