hey yall i just wanted yall to know i can't use xanga anymore...if you wanna know why...either emial me at shotclockat24@aol.com.   or IM me at that..

later

well all 23 are still on my dresser...i had to babysit 2 lil boys today the 9 month old wouldn't stop crying...and my stomache was hurting cause cramps..(heh, i hate those days) lol...anyways...i should get payed soon like $90 and i wanna go get some more books! i love books.   Tomorrow i go to counseling my first day, i'm nervous.   but i'm kinda in the mood to go, but the thing is, were not gonna meet my first time in a office. were meetin at starbucks man i dont wanna be out in public...o well i'm not gonna say anything...she said it would be fine, casue she just wants to get to know me.  we'll see..but i'm nervous! why am i nervous!!   ahhhh.

Well i was babysitting from 7 to 4 :30pm.   and i haven't eatin anything all day cause there was no food! to me its a good thing, but i am starving...i kinda feel alil light headed.   ok well, thats all for now...

i guess i was just expecting that i would get better emmediatly..but i knew i wouldn't i even told my friends dont expect me to heal by tomorrow.   and i knew that..but it was like they were encouraging me so much that i just got all focused on living there life in this happy world...and i wasn't happy...i spent the night w/ my friend and i tried..trying makes it worse cuase by the end of the night i was worn out completely...i don't even remember how to live nromally...or not depressed it seems right.   cutting seems right...to me...its only been 1 year, but it feels normal is that what i'm supposed to do when i'm upset, angry or overwhelmed?   those are all probably stupid reasons...i know they are i'm just a stupid person!   seeing my own blood is intertaining at times...but then when i cant get them to go away i become depressed...not always...but yeah...alright i'll quit talking now...

  There she was one night, sitting on her bed in her dark room.  Holding her weapon of choice wanting so much to disappear.  Her thoughts are so strong and tense that she can't feel herself breathe.  She feels nothing, she can't focus.  Pulling up her sleeve, staring at the old memories left on her arms.  Tears in her eyes, but she cannot cry.  One slide and a new wound is open, crimson blood starts to flow to the surface.  Her eyes start to clear as her thoughts disappear.  She can now feel herself again.  She has found relief.

What did you think of that?