i was just looking back over this xanga...

oh how i have failed since then.

for all of you who still read this.. i have a new one...

www.xanga.com/themoondsnthnglikeitusedto

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I am going to leave you with this last entry for you all to remember me by.

goodbye.

No body likes you, Everybody hates you, why dont you just eat more.

I stood there, motionless, I could not move. I looked down at what had just happened. . . I don't know how much I ate, or even how much there was. . . but it was all gone.

Chips, Cookies, Cupcakes, Breads, Rice Cakes, Turkey Soup and Cereal... GoNe! within a matter of minutes. scarfed down. My heart pounded as millions of thoughts ran through my head, "your a fatty!" "why did you do that!?" "FAILURE!" "now your going to end up like the Packer lady at cold stone!" I cried... cried until I could not cry anymore. Rushing downstairs, I slammed the down to the bathroom, riped off my clothes and stepped on the scale... 162.5. I stood there, once again motionless, like a 4000 pound ball I fell to my knees. My head flew in my hands as I knelt there on the floor, tears pouring out of my eyes. I looked up and realized that if I didnt act soon it would all settle and the calories would race everywhere, I put on my favorite CD and hopped in the shower. I sat down, closed my eyes and plugged my nose, as I stuck 3 fingers down my throat I can feel the food wanting to come up. I keep them down there until the food spews out of me like blood spews out of a fresh wound. I can see the chips and the cookies, the blue sprinkles that were on top of the cookies, the cupcakes, and mixed in there was the pink frosting. I tasted the turkey soup in my mouth. I rinsed my mouth out everytime there was a need too.

10 songs and 40 minutes later, it was all gone. My chest hurt like a million bricks had just been set on it. My heart pounded so fast I could feel the blood being pumped through out my body. My lungs were so exasperated that I could hardly breath.

I washed my hair and my body, rinsed out my mouth.

I walk shamefully upstairs, walk to my room and pull off the towel. The fat rolls are so abundent that I feel like I am wrapped in a seal of lard. I poke my stomach, and my thighs. I pinch my double chin and the excess skin around my collar bones. Reality  has set in. Claire, you are a fat fuck!

No body likes you, Everybody hates you, why dont you just eat more!

I wrote down a "note to self" so I would remember to write about this woman in here.

she comes in every Sunday after every Green Bay Packer game. "gotta have it berry berry good please"
(sweet cream ice cream, blueberrys, strawberries and raspberries..around 1130 cals and i kid you not!)
And every time i scoop up the berry berry good and hand it to her in a to-go container. As she strikes up conversation with me, the first thing that always comes out of her mouth is "i should be going to whole foods for a salad, but this comforts me when the Packers lose, and a salad wouldnt do the trick" and everytime i want to pat her on her shoulder and say "if only you knew how affraid i am to turn out like you" but i refrain, smile and ring her up. 4.59 please. and she hands over her VISA card and i swipe it, she says good bye and she wobbles her way to her car and gets in, she drives away, seemingly unknowing of the heath risks she faces. The poor lady has to be close to 300 pounds. My heart goes out to her. I dont know how anyone could let themselves increase in size..to the point where ICE CREAM comforts you after every Green Bay Packer game. I am sure she notices what she is doing, but doesnt want to do anything about it. or maybe she was once like us...but then turned her back and left it all....?

my writers block is gone and i neeeeed to get this all out

I sat in her kitchen, cupcakes topped with yellow or pink frosting and dusted with sprinkles, sitting all around me. I was tempted to eat one, so i gave in and after that i wanted to look her in the eye and say "watch this" and stick my fingers down my throat and purge right then and  there in front of her. I wanted to see her eyes open wide as she saw me doing this "obcene" act right in front of her. I wanted her to see what it is like to feel so giulty about ONE DAMN CUPCAKE that you purge, and sometimes until what you had for lunch is gone too. I refrained and sat there as i felt the cupcake make its way to my thighs, my tummy and my already double chin.

As we sat there, sometimes in silence and other times in laughter and chatter, we talked about how normal we thought our lives were when we were 5 or 6. how nothing in the world mattered, money wasnt an issue, and every child out there wanted to be either a police men or firemen. You can be anything you want to be right? and then i realized... if i could be anything i wanted to be, then why cant i be perfect? or even skinny? Sara is right,  My "NoRmAl LiFe" stopped when i started counting calories, and from then on there was no turning back. I dont know how to fathem how i can remember 12 years back but i cant remember what i did a week ago. Everything is a blurr, a big massive ink spill on white carpet. I try to clean it up with bleach and start all over again, on a clean slate, but it never works, it never fully comes out, there is always going to be that ONE little spot on the carpet where you can see the ink, and where it left its mark.