Thursday, May 01, 2008

• I'm so sick of wanting all the things I'm haunted by

  Currently Listening See You on the Other Side By Korn Love Song see related

  "Sitting in my glass house, while your ghost is sleeping down the hall, watching little birds fly, kamikaze missions into the wall. Think I'm gonna stay in today, sit on the couch, and watch them fall. And I guess the push has come to this. So, I guess this must be shove, but before you throw those stones at me, tell me what is your house made of? And if you think you know what I'm doing wrong, you're gonna have to get in line. Yeah, but for the purpose of this song, let's just say I'm doing fine. I guess I'm doing fine."

       I spent the afternoon in front of the mirror, trying to pull myself apart, pick out all the flaws, all the defects, make myself clean, but all I could see was a whole, a whole face with no beauty, a whole person gone wrong. Am I really the only one who's waters are murky? I pulled back my hair, looked into my eyes, wondered if you could tell from the outside that I'm not good enough, that I'm the road that never gets taken. I took my shirt off and stared at my chest, critiqued my breasts, scorned myself for my weight, lotioned my arms until they couldn't absorb any more. I kicked my pants off and ran my fingers over the faded scars on my legs, the permanent reminders of who I used to be, the glowing demons that prove I've fallen more than once, that prove I'm a failure. I pulled off my socks and got in the shower, hoping the hot water could give me some clarity, some sign that my mistakes aren't the only ones painted all over the walls in this town, some indication that I'm not as bad as they think I am, and yet, they, don't know me, only know of me, and they pick out the worst parts of the stories they hear to hold onto, to put into a box on the dresser and pull out whenever they need it. They judge like God, like an almighty being with the right to tear me apart and shred me into something unnameable, something evil, and I wonder who gave them the power, the power to be cruel without knowledge or background, the power to devour a soul. I let the water hit my face, not caring that it burns, and I know I'm the hunted. I know I'll be dead before the season ever starts.

       I just put tape on the bottom of my cat's feet. It was hilarious.

       Later, my loves.

  

  • 8:28 PM
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